Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I, Me and Alice!

I was a reluctant psychology student. The college I wanted to study in didn’t have lot of options with Economics. I had to choose between history and psychology. And I didn’t want to kill my appetite for history by taking it as a course subject. So I became a student of a subject, which I used to ridicule as a pseudo science that declared half the world as mad and the other half as yet-to-be-diagnosed. Multi-personality disorder made sense because of Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. Schizos became ‘real’ only because of Psycho.
We are all experts in wearing masks. One for the office, one for home, one for friends, one for kids and so on!!. When I started this blog it was to give vent to the silent voice that’s always speaking to me. I went ahead and gave the voice a name. It was to be Alice.
I and Alice are not one and the same, though both of us post on this blog. Oftentimes I feel we are not even compatible with each other. Where as I am hardworking, disciplined, pragmatic, flexible and sincere; Alice is dreamy, lives on fantasies and imaginations, lazy, rigid and more of an idealist. I believe in grey things in life. For me there’s nothing black or white. Its always grey but for Alice its just the opposite. She is also highly opinionated and has strong sense of right and wrong. As a result she is highly impulsive, rash and reckless which has sometimes got me in to trouble. And I have had to do lot of fire-fighting to get me out of the soup I found myself in as a result of Alice’s thoughtlessness. To tell you the truth I feel I am kinda victim of Alice’s stubbornness and obstinacy!
Alice can be very unfriendly, arrogant and whimsical but I am balanced, neutral and always polite. Alice is free-spirited, happy-go-lucky in love with the world in general but I am a realist. Nothing matters to me as long as my cup of tea is not disturbed. But Alice isn’t like that. She believes in human ability to make difference according to their individual capacities. And I have often retorted that I am neither Mother Teresa nor Miss India to spend energy in that direction. Alice can afford to talk and think about so-called higher aims and pursuit of truth because she has nothing else to do whereas I spend the best part of my day either traveling to office/home in the messy traffic or managing office squabbles.
Alice always used to have upper hand as to how I should lead my life. But the experience showed that Alice was no good in that and she retreated and I took over. I have been quite successful reining her in and keeping her at a distance.
Since this blog belongs to me also I do visit and post but very rarely. It is Alice who does the most postings. After all she does not have to work for a living! If you point me a post I can just tell who has posted it. Such is the difference between me and Alice. We do lot of joint activities like watching movies, reading books. And our reactions are most often not the same. For e.g while watching A Wednesday, while I was thinking that in reality the police set up as shown in the movie is not even that sophisticated and trying to be critical, Alice was just appreciating the pace of the movie as well as the background score which was making it a surreal experience even though the subject is a hot issue. Its during the lengthy silences that Alice feels empowered but even when I am hard pressed for time if she thinks that she has to sound me about something she wastes no opportunity. There are lot of admirable qualities in Alice for example patience and courage which I completely lack.

So whenever anybody tries to find the Alice of this blog in me, I feel embarrassed. Because I am not Alice. I love Alice and at the same time scared of her. But I know she only has sympathies for me!

Note: Even after knowing my feelings for quacks if you feel that you should give me contact detatils of the best of them, you are free to do it!!


Atoorva said...

Since I know both of you- you and Alice, I can say with authority that both of you are adorable in your own ways .
On serious note, I think all of us have this twin inside us -who is what we expect ourselves to be!! May be Alice is your twin. So take care of her .I hope on very basic core issues....both of you always be identical twins

alice said...

Yes, the twin side. Conflict between heart and mind. Reason and instinct. But I am a bit ambitious. You know, I think they are like Hesse's Narcissus and Goldmund but in this case fused together instead of living two separate lives