Thursday, March 06, 2008

Random thoughts

I want to die. No, am not kidding. Seriously. I’ve never had any near-death experiences, you see. No electric shock, which could have left me immobile for life, no accidental slip from a high-rise building or a cliff, no head on collision with a monstrous vehicle, no food poisoning leaving me completely dehydrated and lifeless. Nothing. I have lived quite a safe life so far. The closest near-death experience of my life has been seeing drop-dead gorgeous Aishwarya Rai from close quarters! But that could hardly be called a near death experience. Actually I am on diet. No, I am not trying to starve myself to death. But what it is when one starves oneself to death? How would it feel when the body is emaciated and the skin sticks to the bone like a wet cloth on a hard rock and the bones try to push through the skin. Chandragupta Maurya was supposed to have done Sallekhana in this place called Sravanabelagola in Karnataka. The guide even to this day shows a rock on which the great Maurya had supposedly slept and died in the sleep. But starving to death is repulsive. One might become hallucinatory in the end. Death should be sublime and calm. One should be in full conscious when dying. Otherwise the point will be lost, no? You wouldn’t know what is real and what is imaginary. But I want to feel what it is to die. I want to die and spring back to life after knowing what it is. You know, will it be something like the experience of almost dozing in a boring meeting and suddenly waking up to a nudge or laughter or to your own name called by the boss!

A whole month has passed by without me even doing one post! A blog is like a garden, someone wrote, it needs constant care. Oh, in that case I am a bad gardener. But on the other hand, a gardener plants only such plants that he likes. He wouldn’t grow weeds, would he? But on blogs we talk about things we don’t like also, won’t we? I have become something like Marvin. Depressed, not bored exactly, but disheartened, disappointed and feeling completely useless. Life should be sublime and meaningful. But if intrigues, politics, maneuverings dominate life, then would its nemesis, death, be what life should be?
Tryambakam yajaamahe
Sugandhim pushtivardhanam
Urvaa rukamiva bhandhanaan
Mrytyor muksheeyamaa amrutaat Om
Somewhere Kundera writes ‘we want our face to express our self. Without the basic faith that our face expresses our self, without this basic illusion, we cannot live or at least we cannot take life seriously’. I would have agreed to anything else but this. When I was younger, I used to tell everybody that whatever I do, I should be, at the end of the day, able to look at myself in the mirror. But nowadays I don’t even recognize myself if I happen to catch a fleeting glimpse of myself in those glazed windows of buildings and cars. I turn away often agitated. Oh, its not that I have been sinning and doing things against the conscience that I can’t face myself. I can’t make the connection between the image that I have of myself in the mind and what I see in the mirror.


Anshuman Ghosh said...

talking of dying? read this - Veronika Decides to Die

alice said...

Don't you think there's a difference between wanting to die and wanting to feel death? Well, I think there is. In the first case we would be talking about suicide(I do get such tendencies but in this post I was not talking about suicide)and the second case is just another type of fantasy.
Thats Coelho's work, no?